Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Tace's LiveJournal:

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Saturday, October 24th, 2009
8:20 pm	Pretending Sometimes, when I'm alone (And really, when I not alone since you left?) I pretend. I sit, alone, and like a little girl, I pretend. I pretend that any minute you'll call me and want to know how I've been, or that you'll send me a text just to let me know you've been thinking about me. I pretend that you have been thinking about me. Sometimes I pretend that you're out in my back yard, setting up the hookah and any time now we'll be together again because you still want to hug me and let me know that I'm loved. Sometimes I pretend that you haven't fallen in love with someone else, and that now I've become so obsolete you don't even feel the need to acknowledge me. Mostly, though, I pretend that you don't know how much what you're doing is hurting me. I pretend like you don't know that leaving me, and now pretending I don't exist, isn't something you knew would be painful and yet did anyway, and that you don't hope that if you ignore me I'll go away. Sometimes I pretend you don't want me to go away. Sometimes I pretend that you give a shit at all. But I guess that's all it is isn't it? Pretending. A sick game I play with myself To try and keep myself from realizing that you did exactly what you promised you never would. That you left me, Just like all the rest of them. And you don't even care. (There's Room For 1000)
Saturday, August 4th, 2007
8:43 am	To Be Someone Just Like Him I wouldn't blame you if you threw this away Before it was even opened, but hear me out okay? I know that probably, I don't deserve your time After committing such unspeakable crimes But I thank you for giving me This one small opportunity I just wanted you to know that my mind is filled Of thoughts of you, of thoughts of us, and everything we built Everything I think of seems to lead back to you (I know that sounds like exaggeration but it's true) I just wanted you to know that I know that what I did was wrong, I wasn't sure if I wanted you, but I kept you strung along I was doing what at the time felt like it was right for me But I regret them because hurting you is hurting me I just wanted you to know that you're the best friend I've had You saved my life, you knew me well, and for all of that I'm glad I'll never forget how it felt to know that I was yours To know that you loved me even when it was a chore There is not a day where my heart doesn't find you Not a day in which I don't feel something at the thought of you I just wanted you to know that even though these ties are severed I just wanted you to know that I will miss you forever (4 Volunteers | There's Room For 1000)
Thursday, November 16th, 2006
6:25 pm	Preachin' The Blues A lady came into the store today Russian accent on the tip of her tongue She made me think of you today Of a song that went unsung One thought jumped into my head As I swallowed and looked up at her- This is the way the world ends Not with a bang, but with a whisper A Russian accent lady came into the store today- We were always kind of funny in that car crash sort of way. (3 Volunteers | There's Room For 1000)
Monday, July 31st, 2006
1:20 pm	When You Dream, What Do You Dream About? It's Friday and the ocean spreads out before us We sit in the sand hearing the oceans sweet chorus Your butterscotch voice melts sweet in the air I reach for your hand, and find a smile there (5 Volunteers | There's Room For 1000)
Friday, July 14th, 2006
6:43 pm	It's Over Now, The Music Of The Night The sky is undecided, On this clear midnight This is all so new to me, But somehow it feels right If I had never met you Or looked into your eyes, Would it change the way I see your face among skies? Dreaming at Night… All that ever was All that’ll ever be Is lost among the sky Replaced with endless peace If it all fades away And night becomes the day One thing will still be true I’ll be here dreaming of you Inside my tiny darkened room I can feel a glow Springing from inside me And finally I know That everything will be okay As long as it is true That the stars above are the same As those above you Dreaming at Night… All that ever was All that’ll ever be Is lost among the sky Replaced with endless peace It all fades away And night becomes the day One thing still is true I’m here dreaming of you Outside this window I have gazed So many, many times There’s no justice in words about you So I settle for my rhymes I close my eyes and listen But there’s nothing to hear I reach over for your hand But nothing is there Dreaming at Night… All that ever was All that’ll ever be Is lost among the sky Replaced with endless peace It all fades away As night becomes the day Stars betray the blue As I’m here dreaming of you Suddenly I remember there’s a reason you are gone You made a choice, I lower my head, it is almost dawn Dreaming at Night… All that ever was All that’ll ever be Lost among the sky Replaced with endless peace It all fades away Night is now the day One thing left that’s true- I’m dreaming without you (2 Volunteers | There's Room For 1000)
Wednesday, June 21st, 2006
1:28 pm	Danny, I appreciate your honesty; aside from this statement I'm not really sure of anything, nor do I know what else to tell you. I realize you currently find yourself perplexed and confused, which is understandable, given the circumstances. You're facing a fate that has been awaiting you since you stopped caring about the consequences of the decisions that you've made. I've done a lot of thinking recently about you, about me, and about us. I wanted you in every sense of the phrase since the first time we spoke on the phone months ago, and I did the best to be that girl you would decide you wanted to be with. But this is June 2006, and truth be told, I stopped waiting for you a long time ago, when a boy named Dan showed me what it felt like to be loved. You're facing what seems to be a dark and desolate search for happiness in a world which, until now, you've chosen to shun. Danny- you can't treat people who love you as if they don't matter just because you have the ability to do so. You can't use people when you need them, and then throw them away when you're done. If you do, as I'm sure you are now learning, when you finally realize just how much you need them, they'll have left. And I can't be a part of it; I can' t be a part of you- not anymore. I love you- but I'm not your fucking whore. -Stacy (There's Room For 1000)
Wednesday, March 15th, 2006
9:34 pm	Never Is A Promise, And You Can't Afford To Lie “It’s normal, you know” she tells me But I don’t care- I refuse to believe That this is ordinary teen angst. I am not ordinary. I am not common. “Fuck you” I say. “I’m hungry” “Then you should eat” she replies “No” I say. “That’s not what I mean. I’m hungry for stories and beauty and Inspiration.” “I know” she says. “I’m also deflated. And alone. And in exceptional want of life rather than existence”. She gives me a skeptical look. “And you think that’s not normal?” I shrug. I want to believe I’m special. I’m scratching at my skin, Searching and searching for that red Liquid life that flows beneath it. I am made of paper, of wood, of stone, Of clay and “I…just can’t. Not anymore”. She sighs, almost sympathetically. “You shouldn’t do that” Her voice is thick with dreams, As she tells me this like I don’t already know. “Why not?” I ask. I know it’s useless and I’ll never change her mind, but I’ll Try anyway. Before she can respond, I attempt justification. “Pumpkins will remain pumpkins, they will Not turn into coaches. Beasts will not be transformed by a young girl's kiss. Loneliness is the human condition Kindness is too much to ask for There is no Happily Ever After True love doesn't conquer all Mermaids can not become human You don't believe in fairies Dragons aren't real Animals don't talk” “No” she agrees, “but we do”. I look at her- my turn to be skeptical. I scratch again, thinking what she’s thinking: “Cutting is stupid”…Maybe she’s The bad habit. Maybe I am. My fingers are sticky with peanut butter and honey While hers are made soft and salty by sea water And her feet are stained with sand “Why do you try so hard to throw people off?” She asks me. “You’ve kept me at arm’s Length since we met”. “It’s a people thing”. I want to leave it at That but she won’t let me. “A people Thing?” she asks, turning my answer into a question. “I don’t understand them.” I answer Her inquisitive look won’t budge from her face, So I continue. “I don’t understand why they do the things That they do, why they act the way that they Act, why they think the way that think. And it’s been that way forever. For years Now. Since elementary school I’ve felt this Way. So I’ve come to the conclusion that I can’t possibly be human. If I was, I wouldn’t Feel so isolated every time I go out in public. I mean, I hate every happy couple I see.” “That’s normal too.” She tries to explain But I guess she doesn’t realize that she’s not Helping. She doesn’t realize that I need This feeling. This feeling of isolation Makes me feel special. It’s all that I have In this world where I really do feel like Something different. Blue-skinned sea Nymph. Half-horse half-girl centaur. A bird girl with hidden wings. But I close my eyes to hide the tears Behind them. To hide them from her Because I don’t want her to know that I know. Because I do know. I’m an ordinary, angsty teenager with Ordinary angsty thoughts that maybe One day I’ll grow out of. But now I can't shake the feeling of an ugly stepsister And I'm afraid to go outside should I melt in the rain (There's Room For 1000)
Wednesday, March 8th, 2006
4:19 pm	You Are My Sunshine, My Only Sunshine Does she hold you in the shower when you're drunk and shaking, In just her bra and panties, and watch you while her heart is breaking? Is she shaking, too, under the cold water that is splashing on her head, Trying to remember anything about alcohol poisoning she might have read? Does she dry you off with the only towel, knowing that you need it most, And proceed to walk you to your bedroom, thinking she's walking with a ghost? Does she lie you down in your bed, and pull the covers up to your chin, Letting her fingers linger for a while on your pale and stubbled skin? Does she kiss your eyelids when you're passed out and asleep, And run her fingers through your hair, wanting you to keep? Does she lie awake, holding your hand to feel your touch, And whisper softly in your ear, "I love you far too much."? Now when you see me, you look away, and I'm forced to act tough. But, with her, I guess you are happy; I just wish that was enough. (1 Volunteer | There's Room For 1000)
Tuesday, March 7th, 2006
10:31 pm	It Only Hurts When I Breathe We’re walking on the beach and there is sand in my shoes and blankets in my arms. I look at you, and as cliché as it sounds, you look beautiful in the moonlight. It shines off your hair, and out of your eyes and your teeth in your smile. The ocean roars behind us, and the wind roars in my ears. I am the ocean. I’m vast and blue and restless. I am the wind. I’m rough and sandy and skeptical. I am a mermaid. My hair is seaweed and my eyelids are seashells. And you- you are a moonlit sea god, a king with magical powers and knack for making windy ocean girls forget about the sand in their shoes. And I’m glowing like the gold heart charm around my neck. And I’m singing like the ocean. And I’m weightless like the wind. And I’m dancing like a mermaid. And all I want to do is thank you for this feeling- this dancing on air feeling, this dreams come true feeling, this strawberry milkshake feeling. (There's Room For 1000)
Thursday, February 16th, 2006
9:44 pm	I Am Finally Seeing That I Was The One Worth Leaving The stage is shining with wax, Heels, and skirted waists; Hints of fame slippery in thier heads. Blue eyes sharp in his sockets, His steps are light and airy as whispered songs As he sings heavy Held down on stage Only by his voice (There's Room For 1000)
Thursday, January 26th, 2006
1:20 am	Haven't Had A Dream In A Long Time The little bubbles in my wine glass jump about As if their small dances are creating the cider’s flavor They float about, little orbs of light, Popping as they reach the surface Uncle Merv’s voice booms above our carols With a rumble that comes from deep in his belly And surrounds us like the smoke from his pipe Hanging in the air like his love for us The love smoke fills the entire house So tangible, I’m surprised I can’t see it, taste it, smell it I’m surprised it’s not fogging windows and setting off smoke alarms But I can feel it, and that’s what counts (There's Room For 1000)
Wednesday, January 18th, 2006
9:51 pm	Living Just To Find Emotion My grandmother’s room at night is lonely, the darkness that swallows it quite appropriate. The smell of her perfume and life’s decay hovers among her belongings that lay still and silent. The only present light comes from the moon, which creeps into her bedroom in a sliver between the curtains and falls on the floor next to her bed. Her bed is lonely too, as it lays empty. My grandmother’s house at night is full of small figures that loom in all the rooms like memories of the lives that used to play and laughter that used to shout. The one life that remains in this house has fallen asleep in an overstuffed armchair. The television is on, the glow of the screen and the hum of the infomercial complimenting her soft breathing. Her hands are folded in her lap like two pieces of tissue paper. My grandmother’s neighborhood at night is a heartless one. The street deserted, the cars sitting alone and cold in driveways. There is a small breeze that sways the leaves abandoned in the gutters. The windows of houses are closed, their blinds shut like slit eyelids. Phantoms sit in front lawns, waiting to hear that soft breathing. My grandmother’s town at night sees the deaths of its residences. The lawn phantoms creep into Leisure World and hospitals and old age homes that occupy the streets, looking for others like my grandmother. The soft breathing ceases, as they take the old and dying with them. (There's Room For 1000)
Thursday, January 12th, 2006
12:47 am	Your Mind Drifts and Weaves My grandmother’s room is much more lonely then it used to be, my grandfather’s absence being a noticeable one. She hides his old desk under piles of her costume jewelry, but keeps his clothes still hanging in the closet. She has a large waterbed in the center of her room- it’s either sprung a leak, or those are tears on her pillow. My grandmother’s house is another place for her to hide traces of what was my grandfather’s presence. Rooms are filled with Christmas decorations never to be taken down, next to strung up angels and his chair covered in stuffed animals and old sweatshirts that smell of mothballs and his old cologne. My heritage hangs on her walls in the eyes of the faces of my ancestors- all of them gone but her. My grandmother’s neighborhood is a still life painting. Life exists only inside the lonely houses that line the street, and the trees rustle only when disturbed by the wind. Cars are few and far between, and none reside inside her driveway. There is a noticeable absence of a spirit that used to wander these streets. My grandmother’s town is a tight uncomfortable skin she only wants to crawl out of. Reserved for the old and the spiritual, the senior center and the church are its main sources of life, but the town seems to be dying along with its residences. 7-11s, super markets, ‘Leisure World’ and all modern comforts are provided, but the town feels uncomfortable. The city misses him the way she does. And so do I. (2 Volunteers | There's Room For 1000)
Monday, November 28th, 2005
11:46 am	If You Weren't Real I Would Make You Up Getting degrees in reverse psychology and anti-sociology My eyes are sunken so that light does not hit them My hair and clothes smell of vanilla candles and sandalwood incense You can count on me to through you off And I hate every happy couple I see My fingers are sticky with peanut butter and honey While other's are made soft and salty by sea water And their feet are stained with sand Help me find balance I’ll keep you at arms length Her voice is thick with dreams “Maybe you’re the bad habit, Maybe I am” We're counting the scars on my legs I scar so easily But I can see the stars again Trust me, I'm not your type (2 Volunteers | There's Room For 1000)
Thursday, October 27th, 2005
10:36 am	Where Does The Good Go? A misconstrued conception A misshapen angel without wings I see light filter in through autumn leaves And I swear I'm watching God (There's Room For 1000)
Thursday, September 29th, 2005
12:02 pm	Don't Be Afraid To Be Afraid To Be With Me A beautiful analogy Lost in creativity And modern electricity An overwhelming tendency Towards artificiality Handling it haphazardly Is nothing short of deadly (There's Room For 1000)
Saturday, September 10th, 2005
12:07 am	All Your Wings Have Fallen Down My father looks at a beautiful lesbian He calls her a waste of a woman A woman who made a stupid decision When she chose to be gay I want to protest To attempt to explain The little understanding he possesses If he sees sexuality as a choice But my mind won't step away from the pet store's dove Pulling out his own feathers, revealing tender scales And pieces of broken quill, like weapons I wanted to rescue him, but only stared in horror At the inherent animal nature self destruction (There's Room For 1000)
Tuesday, August 23rd, 2005
2:53 am	Some Things Exist Whether You Believe In Them Or Not I think too much- Conducting a mental overspray, thinking about thinking. It feels like when I hold a mirror up to another mirror, And I see thousands of me getting smaller and smaller. I wave to the reflection girl- Staring back at me with foggy, dead fish eyes that look but don't see, She waves back. I feel like Alice, staring into a backwards Wonderland Thinking now if either one of us is real. (There's Room For 1000)
Thursday, July 7th, 2005
12:26 am	There's Not A Lot For You To Give If You're Giving In Your hands on my back and I'm floating. The jacaranda flowers fall into the pool Like purple poison around us, And I want to inject them into my veins Feeling them flower under my skin; To be able to save this feeling And get high off of it whenever I need to. I am sorry we have to put our happiness off And sometimes I worry you'll think it's not worth waiting for As your face reflects the colors of explosions in the sky, I watch your eyes mirroring; a looking glass of neon. My image is a tiny girl inside your pupils, And I wish I really was that small So maybe then you could take me with you And I'll float instead behind your ear Whispering secrets that bloom around us. (4 Volunteers | There's Room For 1000)
Monday, May 30th, 2005
2:25 pm	You Write Such Pretty Words, But Life's No Story Book Now Leaving Home is leaving me and I'm sitting here. Hearing love songs dancing in my head, Watching lovers dance before my eyes, Feeling you dance behind my ribs, and I'm waiting. Waiting for you to walk through those doors Waiting for you to come back to me, for me To kiss me and to want me And to find what you're looking for In these broken eyes Now I'm Mona Lisa personified A fading girl behind a glass case Which fogs and gets cloudy As I cry to the girl with maraschino hair You are so beautiful (4 Volunteers | There's Room For 1000)